Lost the spirit

I’m annoyed.

With life mostly. But really cranky and annoyed. I feel like a dark cloud is just lingering over me and the result is of me being annoyed. Annoyed with what?

Annoyed that I can’t find Christmas cards that fit last years card in them (they were photo cards with pretty wedding pictures on them that I never got around to sending last year for the same reason that I’m procrastinating this year). Annoyed that we couldn’t seem to agree on how the Christmas lights should go on the tree.

Annoyed that sometimes I wish my husband would just do more – do more to find a job, do more around the house. Annoyed that I feel like I’m working my ass off – oh wait I am, and I feel like he doesn’t do enough. Annoyed that we’re not unpacked yet.

Annoyed that we have no money to go Christmas shopping. Like my wish list? There’s not much on it, but what is on it is a bit pricey, thus I’m realistic. While my husband hopes and dreams for an iPad and a Kindle, I can barely stand to browse amazon for all the books I would like to buy, and don’t even get me started on nordstrom, I really want a Tory Burch Wallet – especially since my JCrew wallet has seen many better days.

Annoyed that my dog is still crazy and she’s just generally overwhelming me. I feel like we’re over our head, she’s costing us a lot of money we don’t have (she just broke 2 more teeth on her crate!), and I’m losing patience. Yet, I’m the bad guy for even thinking there might be a better place for her.

Annoyed that I feel like I don’t have a social life. Not that I’ve really had one since we left DC. But I’m so close to so many great friends, and I feel like I have no time to see them.

Annoyed that I’m losing motivation for my 30 day challenge. I’m 3 days behind. Today I went to a yoga class that was just…not good. Seriously. It was not good. I can’t even talk about it.

Annoyed that I’m annoyed and am not in the holiday spirit when I feel like I should be.

Maybe I can chalk it up to PMS but I dunno, I feel like even trying to pretend that I’m okay is exhausting all of a sudden. I’m tired. On the verge of a breakdown – similar to the one I had to my sister this weekend when all I could do was cry because how the hell did I get here? How is this my life?

Yet, despite the good holiday memories, especially the ones with Hubs over the past few years, I remember all the disappointment from Christmas’s past, and maybe this Scrooge-ness is of my own making, and reminiscing on the disappointments and letting the negativity linger is just my way of not dealing with shit.

So on that note, I’m just going to say it. Maybe this’ll make me feel better.

Bah-freakin’-humbug.

/end annoyed rant

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Crash and burn

And that’s why I’m wondering why you had to tell me
What’s going on in your head what’s wrong
Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and makes a sound
You never hear her the way that I do
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she breaks down and lets you down
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you..”
-Howie Day “She Says”

I heard this song on my iTunes today and it brought me back to college. I don’t remember which year. There were probably a few points in college where this was a regular on my iTunes list (previously WinAmp…2001 what what?) I get a little nostalgic when the going gets tough, usually through music, what of it?

In all reality, I must confess… I’m finding myself having a hard time dealing with life. Mostly because I’m rolling into a 5 year-out-of-college (homies, we need a reunion…) point and I’m not where I thought I would be. Married yes – though many of my collegiate pals would not have pegged me as one of the first to get hitched. But working in retail, three jobs to barely get by? Not quite the dream job, despite the fact that I’m happy (though, ask me that in a month after working 7 days a week).Was not how I envisioned my life.

I thought I had very much defeated my quarter life crisis earlier this year but I find myself retreating to it. I started the Joy Plan, but I lost track of it mostly because I just couldn’t find the time for it. I think I will finish it. I need to. But maybe this isn’t my quarter-life crisis rearing itself on it’s hind legs coming to get me. Maybe this is just me dealing with crisis – often turning introverted and self-combusting until things are okay again. Maybe it’s both.

And it’s not a crisis – yet – but I’m scared. There, I said it. I’m scared of not being able to pay rent next month. I’m scared of sending in the paperwork to ask for an “economic hardship forbearance” for my student loans. I’m scared of working so much but feel like I have to to survive. To eat, live, breathe, and pay my obligations. I’m scared of going bankrupt. I’m scared of our debts, creditors calling. I’m scared of all that happening. It’s happened before. Not bad, and we’ve gotten ahead of it all but I’m still frightened.

I know hubs will find a job. God forbid he takes another campaign job, I may considering divorcing him (I kid, I kid) but in all seriousness, what I’m lost without is stability.

You know, the days when I could budget for a month without wondering how much my next paycheck would be. The days when I knew how much play money I had to get together with friends, go out to dinner and go out for a night on the town (a night on the town often equaled us sitting at a bar laughing together sharing a couple drinks). I miss having a life.

Hubs reassures me constantly that things will be okay – he has interviews, and yadda yadda yadda. Our parents won’t let us go broke etc…

But sometimes, I feel like that’s all just words. And I’m scared because reassuring words don’t pay the bills. Despite the difference that I have a job and Hubs doesn’t, he makes significantly more than me thus my fear.

This my friends, is not the happiness I was/am searching for, but rather a sad realization that tricking myself into thinking I defeated that quarter-life crisis was not in fact true, and that money may not buy happiness but it does buy stability which does factor into the equation that ultimately equals happiness.

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You’re Nobody ‘Till…..

Someone on the internets hates you enough to make a faux twitter account in honor of you…

My friends… I have made it.

Why was this started? Because I tweeted about a wedding gift that came in, that was a total surprise. Sorry, we’re 29 days out apparently when people care about you enough to send you something, it arrives unexpectedly at your door. Sorry I’m “materialistic” enough to tweet about this. (I am slightly materialistic, but I admit it, and…it’s not like I don’t care about other things too…)

And for the record? I didn’t come from a wealthy family so I didn’t get super awesome gifts when I was younger, they were heartfelt and wonderful but getting tons of them? Was never my family’s style. So there.

Apparently, I’m kind of a big deal. Trying not to take it personally…trying not to get upset…trying to focus on the task at hand…which at this moment? Is picking out a song for our bridal party to be introduced to…if anyone has suggestions? Feel free to leave them!

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Do they have a class for that?

The vision of what I thought I was going to be  by the time I turned 26 came crumbling down this morning in the parking lot of my part time job at 8:30am.

I had spent two hours running around the gym trying to find ribbon to tie balloons for our open house today. It was there in the parking lot that I realized my $100k+ degree in political science has gotten me nowhere. No where but making $8/hour at an upscale gym tying balloons.

I could be a clown for more than that – so Fiance so kindly pointed out on our walk home after our workout. Unfortunately, I told him, I don’t know how to make balloon animals. Per the title of this post – I wonder if they have a class for that.

Seriously? I’m thinking of changing the byline of this blog from “I live, I laugh, and I wear a lot of pink…” to “the musings of a pink loving disgruntled twentysomething” thoughts?

I just…feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I haven’t had a hit from any of the dozens of resumes I’ve sent out in months, I’m trying to stay positive but with all these cries that DC has such a “booming job market” I’m really starting to want to punch anyone who says that.

I’ll tell you what this job market is like…it sucks. Plain and simple. Want to know why? Perfect example, a good friend of mine recently moved to the beltway after finishing her masters in health policy from a pretty decent program up near Boston. This gal, took her masters degree OFF of her resume, and suddenly she was making less than $30k being an executve assistant. Prior to that, she had had interviews but no bites, she was either “unexperienced” or “overqualified because of her two degrees.” That just makes me sad, especially since she’s smart and probably perfect for these jobs who are telling her “more experience plskthx.”

Let me tell you, people who spend $xk to get a higher degree, and then have to take it OFF of their resume to get a lowly $30k or less job are my heroes. IBecause that? Is not the sign of a “booming job market.” That is the sign of a competitive-if-you-don’t-want-to-do-my-grunt-work-for-less-than-a-livable-wage-Joe-Schmoe-down-the-street-will-for-$10k-less-than-I’m-offering-you-and-he-might-even-throw-in-a-smile-while-he-wipes-my-ass kind of market. Also known as by political science grads who think they’re too good for ass-wiping…as a crappy job market.

I am not anti-ass wiping per se. I’ve done my fair share of ass wiping, it’s what you gotta do to get your foot in the door. But, a part of me, is over that crap. No pun intended. I just want a job that I’m happy in, that pays a livable wage (and might even allow me to purchase full priced items at JCrew instead of having to wait till the sale when they just so happen to be sold out in my size for everything I like.) and sets me up for a few years with a company/job that I would be okay with. That I wouldn’t mind getting out of bed for. That I wouldn’t mind you know, staying late for or actually doing hard work for. I wouldn’t mind having a job that makes me use my brain, not just be a drone at a computer, I’d love to have a job that maybe, just maybe, challenges me.

More than all of that, at this point? I’d really just love a full time job…with benefits. I don’t need metro fare, just you know…health insurance would be nice.

If fiance hadn’t, you know, lost his job, I’d be writing the great American novel, sitting at home every day with a sleepy puppy (seriously, all Elliekins does is sleep. I wish I had her life.) reworking my life’s experiences into a 200 something page chick lit novel with a protagonist with an endless closet and an endless budget.

But for now..I’m going to bask in my disgruntledness. Harrumph.

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Facts of Life

Or the one where bad things happen to good people.

This, my friends, has been…dare I say it, the worst week ever. I won’t go so far to say that it could get worse, because we already said that and it did.

Saturday, I was blessed and showered with love at my bridal shower in Connecticut. We came back with a car full of “stuff” and left feeling excited and eagerly awaiting the arrival of response cards for our wedding.

Sunday, we drove home…seven hours. We picked up our darling puppy, and unloaded our car in about a gazillion trips.

Then. I walked into the bathroom. There was roughly an inch – maybe more, but not too much more – of standing water. Our toilet had been running all weekend. The lever that maintains the water level had malfunctioned and sprayed water out of the top all weekend. The carpet, leading into the bathroom was sopping wet. The carpet in the bathroom was sopping wet. As was the carpet half way into our living room.

We took the appropriate steps, calling our maintenance guy (who promptly told us that there was “nothing he could do about it.”), called our home owners insurance who dispatched a crew to take care of the sodden carpets. They arrived at 1:00am. They finished removing the carpets at 3:30am. They came back and installed high heat dehumidifiers causing our apartment to be 104 degrees (F) the next morning and aside from checking the mail, we haven’t been back since.

*sigh* We’re staying in a hotel till tomorrow when they take the dehumidifiers out.

But it gets better. And by better, I mean worse.

I feel like Jenn Lancaster in “Bitter is the New Black” when she loses her job and then a few weeks later her then boyfriend, now husband, loses his as well. They get evicted, she fights with unemployment and now a few years later, she’s a NY Times best selling author. What luck! Can I have some of that luck?? Please? Because the first part of that? Totally happened to us yesterday (and I wouldn’t mind being a NY Times best selling author either!!)

I don’t think I need to spell out the rest. But yes, a very unfortunate turn of events that I don’t have any desire to go into because I’m trying…to keep my blog as PG as I can and no one got any where by calling someone they barely know mean names. Those who know me, know how difficult this is. It makes it even more difficult knowing we invited his employers (and coworker) to the wedding. Invitations should have been received Saturday. And this is what we get? *sigh* I won’t even get started..

In other news, with this unfortunate turn of events, we’re contemplating all of our options, including a possible (though not decided definitely) move to Connecticut – if anyone has any job leads (any at all!) send them my way. (Gal pals in DC, no need to freak out yet, I’m not going anywhere as of today. Or tomorrow.)
Ideas I’m toying with…

*virtual assistant (a la a pal of mine..)
*teacher (seriously. I’ve had this urge to teach since I was in high school, I just never persued it. I’m kind of wondering if I should…)
*continue trying to freelance though I’m finding less and less that I’m enjoying it, I do enjoy writing but mostly on my own – I like to write what I want to write when I want to write it.
*Pursue a business of my own – not sure what yet. But I do have a website venture in the works. More details as it progresses.

Any other suggestions? I just…hate not knowing what I want to do with my life. I hate feeling in limbo, like a failure. I just have…zero confidence in my ability to “land a dream job!” as so many 20 somethings dream about. I don’t know where I lost it…I just…did. I want to be succesful, I just have no idea how to get there or where to start.

So in the words of Ben Folds….

“…Woke up way too late
Feeling hung over and old
And the sun was shining bright
And I walked barefoot
Down the road
Started thinking about
My old man
It seems that all men
Wanna get into a car and go
Anywhere
Here I stand – sad and free
I cant cry and I cant see
What Ive done
God. . .what have I done

Dont you know Im numb, man
No I cant feel a thing at all
cause its all smiles and business
These days
And Im indifferent to the loss
Ive faith that theres a soul somewhere
Whos leading me around
I wonder if she knows
Which way is down. . ….”
{Evaporated by Ben Folds Five}

Sorry to be all…dare I say emo…but life? Is tough. Wear a helmet.

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