Postpartum Woes: When Depression Hits

Last week I hit a sort of rock bottom.

I hadn’t really wanted to face anything, I tend to be a bit ostrich like when it comes to having all the feels.

But last week, it was a new low. Even for me.

The never ending feeling of that lump in the back of your throat like you’re just about to burst into tears, the constant napping, the scowling, the moodiness. I just couldn’t explain why. The tears, the lack of motivation. I felt like everything was a burden and about to come crashing down around me. Trying to answer the question “how are you doing?” or “what’s wrong?” was like torture because I couldn’t answer without breaking down.

I don’t have a history of depression and being almost ten months Post Partum, I didn’t think I could get PPD. (Note: I’m not self diagnosing here, I’m contemplating.) But PPD this late is possible, not self diagnosing, but we’re not ruling it out for now until I figure out if it’s a hormonal imbalance with the mini-pill.

I do also know that opening up to hubs and a couple of pals has done eons for me. Maybe it was the polar vortex last week that kept Ethan and I shut in that set off this avalanche of emotions, but really, my ambivalence towards everything I once gave two effs about was just growing and growing and I was getting tired of not caring about anyone. Or myself.

Then of course there was this neverending guilt. The guilt over having all of these feelings that were making me just…not care. Guilt over feeling blase. Guilt over my desire to go back to work (another post, another time); I felt like I was being crushed and I hit my breaking point.

It’s surprisingly easy to not really think things are different. Or notice that you’re on a downward spiral until you hit rock bottom and talk things out with someone and look back and think. Oh. Right. Huh. That all makes a lot more sense now.

But I think the changing hormones from ending nursing, side effects from the mini-pill (which I read is more common than one might think), the winter blahs, the end of my part time job in December all combined to equal a lot of emotional stress that I hadn’t really admitted to.

Talking things out has made me feel better. Talking them out with mamas who get it. Who have been there, makes me feel just a tad less alone. I am forever thankful for my mama pals for their comments, support and advice.

I did stop taking the mini-pill and will be changing up the birth control in the next week or so. I did read that some people had depression like symptoms with the mini pill so it could be just that and maybe I’ll start to feel better sooner, if things don’t change here shortly then I’ll be going to talk to someone because I want – nay, need – to be the best I can be for my family and feeling just…down is not the best version of myself. I’ve talked to my OB and she’s on board with my wait and see approach for now at least. We’ll revisit when I go in for the IUD in a week or two, but for now, I think seeing if it was simply a side effect of the mini pill is the route I want to take for now.

Things have been better this week. I’ve felt better. I’m a bit happier and I’m working on things. Things are looking up and I’m beginning to feel a bit more like myself every day.

Did you have any depression issues after baby? How did you handle them? 

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Thinking of Number Five

This week, I have read some AMAZING marathon stories. Seriously – mind blowing inspirational stories that make me want to strap on my sneaks and run. Despite the super discomfort from baby schmidt.

It’s been seriously bumming me out that what should be primo-racing season is on hold thanks to the whole being knocked up thing – which is fine…I’m not upset that our family of two is becoming a family of three coming March 2013. I just had big goals for the year before I turned 30. Not gonna lie, I’m bummed that I can’t act on them.  Instead, I’m going to scheme my big come back races. IronGirl Triathlon in Columbia, MD in August…and possibly…marathon #5. Still figuring out what marathon #5 will be, but it’ll be big. And awesome. And amazing and a PR with baby schmidt and hubs waiting at the finish.

In the mean time…I’ve gotta keep my muscles happy. So I’ll do yoga.

Which is what I did tonight.

Centered. Stretched.

I got this whole crazy marathon #5 idea in my head at the end of the worst Friday ever. I mean, seriously, I’ve had worse Fridays (like the time I lost my job on a Friday afternoon…because of a grammatical error. Minor error. It was my first job out of college.)  but this one was up there mostly because my emotions were on a rollercoaster.

I blame my pregnancy hormones. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day – often breaking down into tears for no real, good reason. I feel like a crazy lady.

Tomorrow morning, I’m going to reset again with yoga at one of my favorite studios in town for my first REAL prenatal yoga class (!!!) – review coming soon. Then Sunday is the Junior League 5k (which I’ll be run/walking) and Monday I’ll breathe and reboot.

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Open Your Heart

Tonight I took a detox yoga class. Lots of twisting. A mixture between Anusara and Vinyasa styles of yoga. It was two hours of amazingness – despite the fact that my insides are twisted and hurt.

There was a lot of twisting – detoxing your body, wringing it out of toxins literally from the inside – detoxing not just..toxins but also emotions and anything that might be well…toxic for the body.

It was amazing.

But then we went into camel pose and she said “open up your hearts, let go of any habits, let your body release any bad habits, bad emotions...open your heart up and breathe.”

And suddenly as I tried to reach back for my feet, I felt a release of emotions, my eyes started to water. I wanted to break down in my class, and just cry. Why? I’m not entirely sure, maybe the overwhelming ocean of emotions I’ve been dealing with since the beginning of the month, and the fact that Hubs and I are dealing with crazy schedules and I haven’t had time to unwind lately.

But I folded over into child’s pose, let my emotions come out – had I wanted to let loose and cry? I probably would have, I did feel tears. I was a bit surprised by them but yoga is all about finding inner peace, and letting go and breathing.

I found my breath again. I twisted, and reached and ultimately, I feel better about whatever it was that was bothering me (which could be one of dozens of things) especially after an amazing round of shavasana.

Inner peace…I haz it. Or something close to it.

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